Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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