hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You are a genius and a whore.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
