Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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