I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
