Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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