I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
