yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
