i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
