i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
