It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
