he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
