u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
