Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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