Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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