paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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