I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I touched a dick in church today
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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