Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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