I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
