You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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