I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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