piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
