but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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