Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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