Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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