I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
