When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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