I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
