sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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