Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
