Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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