Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
