FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
