Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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