Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
