okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
