You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
