When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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