You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
