I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
