I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
