I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
