I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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