I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
