People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
