this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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