I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
