glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
