My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
