Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
