Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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