Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How does one acquire holy water?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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