You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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