I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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