There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
