I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
