When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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