Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
